You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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