loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
