Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
