We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
