Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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