So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
