The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
