she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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