So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
