In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
