Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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