i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
