We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize