and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
