All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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