yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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