just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
