my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
