I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
