I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
