Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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