meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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