This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
