He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
As shirtless as possible
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
