i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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