When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
