My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
