let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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