One girl and one boy is just not enough.
The beer is more important than you right now.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
