I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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