Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
