Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize