i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
