you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
