My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
