i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
