If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
