We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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