So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
it glows. i had to have it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
