i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
