life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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