Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize