Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It's never too late to be topless.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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