so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
