i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Randomize
