I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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