I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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