I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
