my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
