More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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