I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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