i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize