i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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