Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
