3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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