all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
