Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
