You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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