I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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