My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
