I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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