I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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