then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
