God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
