you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
